02/18/2022 up and downs, when downs lasted for ~3hrs

I got to my office today. But I am in a split state. I am not harmonic. I was thinking to achieve something, something that is not available, that is too difficult for me at the moment, like publishing a paper in nature, like buying an apartment to reside myself.

I was discussing with my colleague about some details of the instrumentation of our new machine. I haven't realized that detail until today I was reminded by colleague. And I started to be nervous, thinking if the whole configuration goes wrong. I kept calm and continued discussing with my colleague. Finally it is fine and nothing serious would happen.

I know I am in an unsafe inner state. The same feeling of I am nothing and worthless. The same feeling that I am not strong enough to handle the moment. The same feeling of vain inside. I am in a state of danger and self-denying. I posted a wechat moment, expressing the feeling of certain extent of comfort discussing with my female colleague, whose gender is the same as mine. I was humble, I was criticizing myself inside that how I could neglect such an important detail of the instrumentation. I was depreciate myself inside.

That 3 hrs was turbulent inside of me, it's like standing on the edge of death gulf.

I know something was wrong. The more I work against it, the more pain and fear I would experience. So I went for a nap in the sofa in the office. After I woke up, I felt much better. I did a stretch exercise in the lab. Then I came back, I looked the same outside, but I am different inside. I gained some peace and harmony inside of me.

I know I've done an excellent job so far. I've gone through so much that a normal person couldn't have stand. I need to tell myself, give her time, let her be happy. She is the best girl in the world.